Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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