at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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