In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
