Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
