Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
