I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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