be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
