it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
you made out with another girl for some wings
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
