im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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