Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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