well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
