you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
