We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
