you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
