Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
