you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
you had me at cake vodka
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
