I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
