Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
