I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
People in love make me want to vomit
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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