she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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