We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
