I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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