dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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