why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
