We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
