Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
