my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
