im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
