I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
