dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
