now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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