when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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