god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
