Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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