You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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