just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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