dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
