I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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