Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
