At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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