i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
