I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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