so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
