if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
