these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
