Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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