For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
