Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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