Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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