Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
