my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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